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05-25-2007, 12:01 AM
| #1 (permalink) |
| Who's Rakim? Join Date: May 2007 Age: 15
Posts: 50
My Mood:  Thanks: 1
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
 | Contagious Rhymes I'm kinda tired and hyper so... here goes Rippin open a blunt wrap and rollin my joint Feel like I won the game by all 10 points I spit fire in every direction like a 'Contagious' infection MRSA Staph takes control like too much Viagra but no erection I'm like a wanted criminal who creates a dynasty of the finest The grandest around but nobody wants to buy it Tote a gat and act gangster but it still happens I'm white I can't act uptight either because it only ends in fights This isn't for self promotion, but more my chance to vent So I'm allowed to veer off topic and bite words, they're /lent/ This is more street poetry than an actual verse A white kid livin in the street I'm one of "The Cursed" So here it goes my flow cuz I'm on my last line Buy this rhyme and sell it back to get my last dime |
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05-27-2007, 03:44 AM
| #3 (permalink) |
| Guest
Posts: n/a
| I won't do a breakdown on this one. Decent, need to get rid of the gun and weed references since your 13. You should focus on some positive subject matter, and keep at it and you will improve. Flow was on point, lyrics were decent, just lack originality. |
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05-27-2007, 12:28 PM
| #4 (permalink) |
| Who's Rakim? Join Date: May 2007 Age: 15
Posts: 50
My Mood: Thanks: 1
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
| It was a vent rhyme, thats probably why it didn't sound very original :P And, guns and weed are very alive in my life, but I do strive to not mention either of them in most of my rhymes. But, thanks. |
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05-27-2007, 08:57 PM
| #5 (permalink) |
| Underground Join Date: Apr 2007 Age: 30
Posts: 873
My Mood:  Thanks: 21
Thanked 299 Times in 93 Posts
| It was above average for your age. Try to challenge yourself and improve on your skills by not using "I" or "I'm" to much when you write a punchline. Too many "mc's" fall victim to it and it's too simple of a way to write. You finished well and should always finish with a good "punch". keep it up and keep practicing. |
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06-06-2007, 10:02 PM
| #7 (permalink) |
| Guest
Posts: n/a
| Ur good Contagion u shoudl start battling homie, and as far as the comments that tell u 2 quit mentioning guns and weed DOnt listen 2 dat shit liek u said if its present in ur life u cant help but express it, u think Pac or ne other gangsta rapper didnt rap about dat shit when dey was young, if its there its always there |
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